Wow...

Do you ever have that surreal moment when you look at your life and wonder how you got here?  Surely this isn't just me.

I don't mean that as a bad thing.  I just have somehow ended up living a completely different life than I planned.

I never expected to get married.  I had (have) a terrible relationship with my dad.  I couldn't imagine why any thinking woman would saddle herself with a husband if they were like that.  T and I worked hard to fix each other the first few years of our relationship.  Or rather we worked hard to help each other let go of our past baggage.  He taught me that men don't turn in to completely useless, clueless control freaks when you get them into a long term relationship.  The they do help out around the house, not just trash it when your back is turned.  That you can be shown love and respect by a husband.    I always thought of "wife" as a bad word.

I am so lucky to have him.  I know it.  I try very hard not to take him for granted.

I would like to think I taught him that he doesn't deserve and shouldn't expect emotional abuse.  That his disability does not make him undesirable.  That there are geeky Mac girls out there that read and play computer games and debate current events.  That I think he is important enough, that his feelings and memories and interests are important enough to drive hours out of town to spend money we don't have on a tractor we don't need because it makes him very, very happy to have that tractor that reminds him of his grandfather.

I thought I might end up as a single mom by choice, but I never thought I would be a stepmom.  I never thought I would have responsibility for teenagers who were mostly sane and actually talk to me about stuff and put up with my occasional impromptu lectures on STDs and offering to find birth control for them and their friends with no questions asked.  (I work in health care, they put up with me)

I hoped to own a house, but not one this big.  My house is 1000 square feet.  For my hypothetical life, it is too big.  For my real life.... it's OK.  I could easily go smaller if I found one with a more customized living space design, but I don't think the rest of the family could.  I still read tiny house blogs in my spare time.

I never expected to live in the prairies or in a city this big.  I wanted small mountain town.  I had even come with in six months of leaving for New Zealand when things changed and I realized I needed to stay with Tyson.  It was in my two year plan when I met him.   I had been working toward that goal for a few years before that.

I thought I would have a more established garden by now.  I didn't expect to have a partner who would encourage me to try a new garden set up each year until I get it right.  I think I have gotten it right this year.

I hadn't really ever considered that, not only would my in laws be amazing, but that I would end up "adopting"extra grandparents and aunts for my kids.  That I would have such good friends that it blurs the line between friends and family.  That my toddler would call for aunts that she has no blood relation to at all, but not care a wit because they are so close to her and loved by her that she will be shocked when she finds out how other people get aunts.

That really is the biggest unexpected, Toddler Girl.  When I made up my mind to stay with T long term, I thought I was giving up biological children.  V & C are so amazing, I .... well, OK, I wish I had more time with them.  I wish they were mine.  At that point they were only here 25% of the time.  V is now here 50% and I wish C was here that much too.  I understand that I have to share them,  but I would take them full time in a blink.  I love them fiercely with every fibre in me.  I was expecting to spend 75% of my life missing them.  At least with V here more, I get to watch her growing up to be such an incredibly interesting person.

T had the big snip in his first marriage.  I thought that was it.  But he looked into reconstruction.  It has a poor success rate.  I hoped it would work, but with a less than 50% chance, I wasn't expecting it to.  I love kids.  I would have another five if we could afford it.  If I wasn't getting too old.  I certainly wasn't expecting the big girls to adore Toddler girl the way they do.  She just worships them.

Daily I look at Toddler girl with amazement that she is mine.  How did I end up with a baby (who isn't a baby any more) that tells jokes and stretches her tiny vocabulary to the max?  Today she pointed to a  sparrow and told me it was a chicken, yum! yum!  I know she knows the difference.  But she was carefully chased it pretending to catch it for me because I mentioned I was getting hungry.  She also pointed out "chicken taste es delicious!"

I love my whole family so much.  How did I ever get so lucky as to end up here?

So, yes.  Sometimes I whine about work and money (or lack there of), but I know how lucky I am.   I know I am loved.  I hope my family knows that I love them back.